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"I'm tired today!" said Isha. "Why don't you cook something tonight?"
"I don't know how to cook," Rosh answered. "I've never cooked in my life."
"The kids are away at Camp," she said. "Let's have a simple candlelight dinner. Besides, I want to see you cook!"
He smiled but shook his head. He was in no mood to be cornered.
"I'll order pizza delivery," she compromised, "if you make some dessert. If it comes out well, you'll be handsomely rewarded.”
“Tonight?" Rosh asked.
“Tonight!” she confirmed.
He looked at her. The twinkle in her eye was enough to make him rise to the challenge.
"Ok," he beamed. "An intoxicating dessert coming up for the lady ... to prep her up for the challenging evening ahead."
Then he stopped suddenly in his tracks.
"But you must never ever tell anyone," he wanted her promise, "especially if I stuff it up. The kids must never know. Ok?"
"Ok,” she smiled. "But what will you cook tonight?"
"A Slurrp-i-luscious Fruit Cake," he said, getting into the mood. "But no stopping or correcting me, even if I am doing it all wrong. Ok?”
“Sure," she laughed. “I'll even make notes, in case we need an encore.”
They walked into the kitchen together, hand in hand. He turned off the lights and lit a candle.
"A toast to your first culinary adventure," Isha said, pouring an orange juice for herself, and a shot for him from a new bottle of bourbon. Glasses clinked.
“Um!" he purred, assembling the ingredients after downing his shot. Isha smiled when she saw what he was concocting. She could already see an interesting adventure ahead. She picked up a notepad, and started writing his Ingredients List:
- 1 shot glass baking soda
- 1 shot glass lemon juice
- 1 shot glass butter
- 2 shot glass mixed nuts
- 2 shot glass dried fruit
- 2 shot glass raisins
- 4 eggs
- 4 shot glass sugar
- 4 shot glass water
Seeing her actually taking notes, Rosh got serious. To help her understand why he was doing what he was doing, he started speaking his thoughts aloud:
"Let’s take a large bowl. No, wait. Put the bowl down. All this running around has made me thirsty. I need a little more bourbon, so I can concentrate on my Recipe. A shot glass should do. Umm!"
"You might be wondering how much quantity to write in your list. Well, a one liter bottle holds 1,000 mL spirits by volume. In local pubs, we get 30mL shot glasses, and even those are called a double. Half a shot glass is a nip."
"But my latest European imported shot glasses are a full 100 mL. So, I can polish off this bottle in 10 of these shot glasses. Mind you, ideally, one should be drinking alcohol with water, and not neat."
"A good fruitcake needs suitably good quality bourbon for flavor and such like. Which reminds me. I need to check that its flavor will be right for your dessert. I'll do that right now. Ummm. One shot glass'll do... Yup's good!"
"We're ready to rock now. Take this large bowl. Beat the butter in the bowl using the electric mixer. Add sugar and soda. Beat again. Turn off the mixer. I'll just make sure the bourbon is still ok. Try another shotlass. Ummmm!"
"Break 4 legsh and add to the bowl. Run on the mixer. Beat ish well... Are you writing Isha? Good... Ish got a naish glowing feel to it now.”
“Chuck in the dried fruit. Mik sherrr. If the fried druit is shtuck in the mik sherrrr, yoosh the fork to loosh it. Shample the shot glass to check for conshis tanshy. Ummmmm!”
“Now put all the resht of the shtuff in the bowl. Beat the shit out of everything. Hard work. Takesh too long. Need a shogglash. Ummmmmm!”
“Greesh the oven. Turn it ash far ash it will go... to hurry it up. I’m hungry... but have to wait a bit. Shoggglaash. Ummmmmmm!”
“Put the bowl in. Closh the window. Wait more... Wait more... Can't wait... Shoggglaaash. Ummmmmmmm!”
“Almosh done. Check the cake with shoggglaaaash. Shoggggllaaaash gone in hot cake. Who needs shoggggglllaaaash anyway? Closh the window. Drink from the bottle. Ummmmmmmmm!"
“Turn off light. Go to bed. Laash one for the road. Ummmmmmmmmm!!”
“Goo nite Eeessshhha. Whaddo yoo want me to cook for you tomorrow? Rum ballsshh?”
Author's Note: Untested recipe, do not try this at home.
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