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2009 NPC Novice Michigan Bodybuilding, Fitness, Figure & Bikini ChampionshipsPrevious Story: Think Outside The Box

"Pa", Josh spoke as the family ate their evening meal together, "I'm giving a speech on Teen Bodybuilding next week at school and I need to sound off some ideas. Can I talk about them now?"

"Go on", Rosh invited, "Have you decided on how you will begin?"

"Ya", said Josh, "with a famous quote from the movie 300".

"Spartans," he thundered, "What is your profession?"

He then beat up his chest in answer and chanted "Hu Hu Hu".

"If the 300 Spartans just ate chips and watched TV", he continued, "they would have been fat and ugly. They couldn't have stood a minute against the mighty Persian army. But they did! They were bodybuilders!!"

"Do you want their Abs?" he asked his imaginary audience, "Are you tired of being FAT and UGLY?"

The family stared at him with rapt attention, quite amused at his mimicry.

"Go to the gym", he answered his own question, "and JUST BE UGLY!"

They smiled, now hooked. He continued, enjoying their undivided attention, "Bodybuilding is the use of resistance exercise to develop muscles."

"Which basically means trying to bench-press the smallest guy in your school, and when you're comfortable - doing for the next one up in size, and so on until you can bench-press the school Hulk. It's great training for when you need to lift your girlfriend later on in life."

"To get there faster, you could even buy sports supplements, or 'supps', and go hard out at the Gym. Even if school suffers a bit. After all, education is important but big biceps are importanter. Feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror."

"And Bam! That'll just magically make you big?" interrupted Rosh, shaking his head, "Classic case of the blind leading the blind. You teens think you know everything when really you haven't even got NCEA level 1."

"That's not quite how it works," he continued, "Before you even get to the 'supps', you will need to go on a diet plan, know which exercises to do at the Gym and learn how to even use the weights properly."

"Bodybuilding is not really fun," Hosh interjected, "You can't do whatever you want. You can't eat whatever you want. You have to go to bed on time. And wake up early. And go on a strict workout schedule. On a regular basis. It's just too much work."

"And even if you never figure that one out, you need money, which most teens don't have. To buy the 'supps' in the first place. You can't live off 'supps' either. They are expensive and surprisingly, unhealthy!"

"According to the Gout Diet Sheet printed by Patient.co.uk, UK's leading independent health site, eating a high protein diet can cause Gout . That's inflamed joints, due to more uric acid in your blood crystalizing and depositing in your joints, tendons, and surrounding tissue. Quite painful. This is also why many bodybuilders get joint problems later on."

"They also get muscle atrophy. Which is when they're getting old and don't lift anymore, their body starts getting smaller, loses all the muscle and gets flabby skin. That's UGLY."

"And if you are taking proven 'supps' like Creatine Monohydrate, which is one of the best, it stuffs up your kidneys if you stop working out. How's that for a proven 'supp'?"

"During bodybuilding, you can't really go out and party. Because if you are taking protein 'supps' and you drink alcohol, it makes your chances of getting Gout even higher. So if you do go party, you can only be the sober guy watching everyone else have fun and get wasted."

"Alcohol also lowers your testosterone levels, according to Medscape.com. Testosterone is the male sex hormone that your body naturally produces. This anabolic hormone is basically what gives you most of your gains when lifting."

"If you want the gains, you have to say no to the parties. But then if you can't go to parties to show off your big muscles, what's the point of having them?"

"Maybe you could use steroids instead," Josh objected, "to get those abs. Anabolic steroids are basically just special testosterone injections. Steroids make you big, right?"

"Wrong." Hosh answered, "Steroids are formulated so they just make your muscles big. Because your body is signalling to all your testosterone to go and make big muscles, other demands of your body kind of just... die out!"

"The US National Institute on Drug Abuse says that ultimately you get small balls because your body is so worried about making muscles, it forgets about your nuts. So you get these huge muscles, but a TINY little package. Which will probably make the girls just laugh at you instead of being impressed."

"Since steroids are no good, you could try and use growth hormones, which make your body grow everything. This time it won't forget about your balls. But unfortunately, it can make everything big."

"You'll have a big head. Big feet. Big hands. And big organs which your body wasn't designed to support anyway. And you'll literally scare the girls away because you're so massive."

"Big muscles also mean big veins. Girls don't like huge veins."

"They look ugly," Isha agreed, "Many people with bulging veins get varicose veins surgical operations done."

"What's the point of coveting abs," Rosh added, "when in reality there will always be people bigger than you. Some are just genetically designed to be bigger than the rest of us."

"Big muscles ruin your flexibility too – you can't even scratch your own back. You can't fit regular clothes. And you have to spend most of your time cooking, eating and exercising to maintain those abs. What a mundane life!"

"And to add insult to injury, you could end up being just Big-For-Nothing. What use are abs if you can't run for more than 5 minutes. Because you're so stacked and heavy, your heart can't cope. Humans aren't engineered naturally to be so big and muscly. Overly large muscles make your body disproportional and stuff up body mechanics."

"So if bodybuilding is so dangerous, we should just be weak and fat, right?" argued Josh, "Because being obese is much better than being healthy? Fat is the new sexy?"

"Ya," teased Hosh, "Did you know boobs are basically fat? Muscly chicks have burnt off all their fat and have just muscle. So they don't actually have any breasts."

"Who needs the 6-pack anyway when you got the family pack?" Josh had decided how he would conclude his speech, "We don't want muscle. We love boobs."


"EAT CHIPS, WATCH TV!" the family thundered back, beating their chests, "HU HU HU!"

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