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Previous: Dream Big New Zealand

Untitled“In the world of romance,” Rosh was telling his son, “one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.”

The trio sat in their garden, surrounded by food on their candlelit table. The bottle of whisky was almost empty, but the night was still young.

“Do something she likes,” Rosh continued, “and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and you lose points.”

“You get no points for doing something she expects though,” Isha added some timely motherly advice, “Sorry, that's how it works.”

“Yea,” Rosh muttered over his drink, “And there's even an exemplar to how the male points are calculated at laughoutloud.net:”

 

Simple Duties


You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

 

Social Engagements

 

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

 

Her Birthday

 

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

 

A Night Out with The Boys

 

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

 

A Night Out

 

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called Death Race 3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

 

Your Physique

 

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You can't get rid of it, so you resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

 

The Big Question

 

She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

 

Communication

 

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen (0)
You listen, displaying a concerned expression (0)
You listen, with a concerned expression, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You do this without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

 

“You can’t win mate,” Rosh concluded happily, “In love, you are stuffed. Get stuffed happily! That’s what’s best for you.”

Finished discharging his fatherly duty, he eyed the stuffed chicken Isha had cooked for him contentedly. Hosh looked at his father’s potbelly, but said nothing.

‘Obviously,’ he thought, smiling to himself in the dark, ‘Pa knows what he was talking about. It must be a winning system.’

He had seen his mother look lovingly at his father. Picking up his own drink, he walked away to the Barbecue (BBQ), leaving the two love-birds together.

Next: Star In The East?


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