Funny business management story with retold jokes on company policies ...
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"What happened at the review today?" Isha asked.
"Nothing," Rosh fumed. "He patted my back again. Great work. Wish the company had others like you."
"But so sorry, no increment! Annual only, not quarterly. Management Policy, you know."
"Tell him you expect a substantial raise if he's only going to do it annually," said Isha.
"It'll fall on deaf ears," Rosh shrugged. "I'm going to quit the bank. I discussed my expectations with a long-serving colleague. She told me CPI increases were the norm here. I'll be pushing shit uphill asking for more. She also emailed me this."
He handed her an email printout titled 'Company Policies'. It read:
HOLIDAYS: Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays a year. These are called Saturday or Sunday.
SICK LEAVE: A doctor's certificate is not acceptable as proof of sickness. If an employee is able to go to the doctor, they are able to come into work.
SURGERY: Medical operations are banned. The company hired you intact. It needs all your organs.
Do not consider having anything removed. Having something removed constitutes a breach of employment conditions.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: Death is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives or friends.
Have non-employees represent you in such arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon.
Work through your lunch hour, and you will be allowed to leave an hour early.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: Unlimited unpaid leave of absence is granted on these grounds, so long as you have trained your replacement. However, the company will require two weeks notice.
TOILET USE: Too much productive time is wasted in using toilets. Employees are expected to use the loo before arriving to, and after departing from work.
Toilet use at work is permitted, but a 3-minute time limit is strictly enforced in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm sounds, toilet paper retracts, and toilet doors open.
Written applications for toilet use are required to be submitted during lunch time daily, for scheduling purposes.
The company follows an Equal Toilet Opportunity Policy (ETOP). All valid applications received before cutoff time are approved and scheduled in alphabetical order.
Should an employee be unable to go when their turn is due, their turn will be forfeit. In extreme emergencies, employees may be able to swap their time slot with a co-worker. This must be approved in writing by both employees' supervisors.
"What would someone do if they need to go before lunch?" Isha looked up in mock horror.
"Tough luck," Rosh smiled back. "Left to my current manager, he'd scrap this application and approvals system completely. It's inefficient. Employees whose names begin with 'A' would be scheduled to go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with 'B' go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on."
"If you can't go at your allotted time, you'll need to wait until the next day, when your alphabetical turn comes again."
"He better not ask you for suggestions," she shook her head at him, amused, and continued reading:
PHONE CALLS: Making or receiving personal phone calls is not permitted in company time. All phone calls in and out of the company are recorded. Personal cellphones will be confiscated.
TEA BREAKS: The company's Occupational Health & Safety Policy (OHSP) does not permit tea or coffee breaks, as these beverages are addictive.
SMOKING BREAKS: The company's OHSP does not permit smoko breaks, as smoking is injurious to health as well as being addictive.
LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny people are entitled to 15 minutes for lunch, since they don't need to eat much anyway. Even if they do, it hasn't made any difference yet, so why bother? Normal size people get 30 minutes, as that's sufficient to maintain their average figure. Fat people get five minutes, since that's all the time required to drink a Slimfast and take an appetite suppressing pill. The rest get a full hour for lunch.
DRESS CODE: Employees are expected to arrive at work, dressed according to their salary. Fancy trainers or designer clothing imply that the employee is quite well-off and does not need a pay rise.
Those dressed poorly, exhibit poor money management skills. The company neither exacerbates problem behaviours, nor encourages bad habits. More money cannot be given to those, who can't even manage well what they are already getting.
Employees who dress just right, are right where they need to be, and therefore do not need any salary increments. Salary of the rest will be generously reviewed regularly.
GRIEVANCES: The company provides a positive employment experience by encouraging only positive feedback. No questions, comments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, complaints, concerns, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or other negative inputs are entertained.
"Kind of like the 'Like Button' on Facebook, isn't it?" said Isha when she had finished reading. "There is no 'Hate Button' there."
"Well, at least you can 'Unlike' friends on Facebook," said Rosh. "No chance of doing that here."
"Awwww!" Isha cooed. "I can't believe it's finished. I was beginning to enjoy it."
Rosh arched an eyebrow at her and handed her another email printout.
"It ain't, you sadist," said Rosh. "Here's the Paycheck Guide."
Next Story: Paycheck Poverty